Outdoor ice is chunky and weather worn. If it is a snowy day
then you better bring the snow shovel. Little sticks, pebbles and grass peak
occasionally trough the ice. Only to be flooded under by a concerned player and
cooled by Mother Nature. The outdoor hockey player plays for himself or herself.
Sticks are not taped and skates don’t get sharpened. Teams are never the same; people
come and go, only to be missed if there are not enough players for even teams. The
jersey doesn’t mater, just if there are enough layers to stay warm. Gloves,
skates and a stick is the only equipment needed. An outdoor hockey game is
friendly but can turn competitive. The game lasts as long as the players want
to play. Nets are obsolete. Nets can be anything from a trashcan to a shoe. It
is not the score of the game but the essence of the game.
Indoor ice is smooth and quietly majestic. Is it is a snowy
day then you are protected by the elements. Hockey sticks and skates slash up
and snow coat the ice. Only to be flooded under by an unconcerned zamboni driver
a cooled by the air-conditioning. The indoor hockey player plays for the team.
Sticks are taped up and skates are sharpened. Teams try and stay the same:
people come and go, only to be missed if the team doses not do as good without
them. The jersey does matter; it’s the logo on the front not the name on the
back. Gloves, skates and a stick are only the beginning of all the equipment
needed. An indoor hockey game is competitive and mostly never turns friendly.
The game lasts for three twenty-minute periods and that doesn’t count the
possibility of over time. Nets are six feet by four feet. Nets can be nothing
but steel and mesh. It is the final score that compliments the essence of the
game.
Hockey ice can be on a pond or inside a man made ice rink.
If it is a snowy day there is always a place to play hockey. The ice could be
weather worn or human torn. Only to be fixed by some water and cold
temperatures, by a man or a machine. The hockey player plays for the love of
the game. Sticks might be taped and skates might be sharpened, all that matters
is that they touch the ice. Teams change: people come and go; mostly to be
missed. A jersey is a piece of cloth that symbolizes a team but represents a
player. Gloves, skates and a stick are at least the only thing needed to play.
Nets are needed. Nets can be anything from regulation size to a size twelve
shoe. It is the score of the game that selects the winner but the game itself
is the only thing that matters.
In contrasting outdoor versus indoor hockey, it's easy to see how they are quite different experiences. Outdoor hockey is much more rogue and wild, it would seem. You have a sort of repetitive rhythm going, that flows nicely. I'm a little confused about the purpose of the last paragraph. Is it a combo of the first two? Or a different perspective? I find this sentence intriguing:
ReplyDelete"The ice could be weather worn or human torn."
There's a number of spelling mistakes in here, nothing spellcheck can't fix.
What is the main tone you want to communicate? Is it that last sentence? If so, maybe find a way to make that pop.
Have you thought of a title? This piece reminds me of the idea of an 'indoor voice' and an 'outdoor voice.' You know, when adults say, "Use your indoor voice." Indoor hockey seems more civilized.
Overall i am trying to say that these two aspects of hockey (indoor and outdoor) make up hockey as a whole. That is the meaning of the last paragraph combining the first two paragraphs basically into one. Just like hockey is made up of indoor and outdoor hockey. Overall that is what i am trying to communicate. I cant really think of a proper title yet but I am sure i will. Indoor hockey is much more civilized and this is something that i missed in my essay. my final draft will probably have a sentence or two in it comparing chaotic outdoor hockey to more civilized indoor hockey.
DeleteI would like to hear more of the life of the game. How the skates on the ice feel beneath your feet indoors vrs outdoors. and it seems like you are a bit detached from the description. as a hockey player how does the 2 arenas make you feel. the tools of the game are there but what do those tools feel like in your hands when you score, when you get hit by a puck or a stick, what emotion is inside of you on the slick groomed ice as you glide across that plain? how do you connect to the outdoor versus the indoor as a player? How does the name on the shirt of being on a team change you when you get on the ice? playing a simple outdoor game has to have a lot of contrast to being a part of a team that is reheared to win
ReplyDeleteHi Austin –
ReplyDeleteI like the stylistic game you’re playing with here, and I think it’s starting to work for you as a writer. As you draft, you might think about how much you want to lock into the form and style, or whether there might be stylistic ways you could break out of it. It does something for you, by emphasizing constrasts and similarities, but there might be a gain, too, in pulling away from that at some point. I wonder if you could play with style too in a way that reflects the different energy of the two settings – you get at that with content, but not at the level of style.
I’d say that some of your constructions repeat in almost too exact ways, like this one: “Hockey sticks and skates slash up and snow coat the ice. Only to be flooded under by an unconcerned zamboni driver a cooled by the air-conditioning.” (Is it a “snow coat” though?) The “only to be” starts to seem a little forced by paragraph three.
Your third paragraph seems to want to pull, if only abstractly, to a place where the musings lift things above the realm of hockey alone, though I might be misreading that. But there is a loss of energy in that paragraph that stems, I think, from trying to say what the two have in common. It’s those differences that matter, though, or at least that give the piece the energy it has so far.
I think Lisa asks some pretty good questions that challenge you to take it out of the level of abstraction and into a more personal reflection as well. Do you remember the exercise when we went outside and noticed that writing about the large-scale often leaves us with less to say than the small scale does? This strikes me as a large-scale perspective, but I imagine you could say more, and in more interesting ways, if you shifted it to a smaller scale.
I’m not sure it’s “more civilized” in indoor hockey. It’s more organized, more systematic, more fixed in place. But there is something “civilized” too in the communal energy you get at in the outdoor hockey rink as well.
Learn the difference between complements and compliments.
Kirk